for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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