We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
