Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
