I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
