omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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