Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I forget how to act sober
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
