took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
