Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
