a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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