My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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