Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
