Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
