i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
