Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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