What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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