My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
