Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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