I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
