I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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