tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
