My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
