my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
