I am puke
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
