Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.