i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
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I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
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Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?