i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
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When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual