Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
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He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.