If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
