I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
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btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
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Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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