Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
