I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
