Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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