Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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