we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
