So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
