Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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