I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
