If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
