I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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