they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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