hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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