You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
