My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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