Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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