my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
