Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
