A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
