we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
