The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
are you so shy because you have an std?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
