My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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