My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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