she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
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It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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