I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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