It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
