She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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