i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
