Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
