why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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