She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
