Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
