nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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